Jacked Up Corporations

Ross

Dress for Less

You can get some good cheap stuff shopping at Ross… if you can find it. It’s seriously better shopping at a second hand store than shopping at the mesh of crap that is Ross. Try finding anything worthwhile in this giant haystack of a store is like finding gold. Then you realize that its fool’s gold because it has what looks like a cum spot on the upper right pants leg. If you want a Peyton Manning jersey when he was a Colt, then Ross has plenty of those, but don’t think you are walking out of Ross with anything except socks that you won’t get made fun of for wearing outside of your house. Seriously, kids in Ethiopia are better off than Ross shoppers with their Superbowl champion shirts with the wrong team because at least the shirts aren’t “irregular” with one sleeve half stitched and a discolored pink collar.

Walmart

So hot...

Walmart is not higher on the list because peopleofwalmart.com is one of the most amazing sites in the world. Walmart is one of the biggest reasons for American disintegration. The corporate a-holes stacking unlimited paper while destroying business owner dreams is just the tip of the iceberg. While awesomely hilarious, it is sad to see the lowlifes that not only shop there, but work there. I’m mean have you seen the dim wits that are working the register? They either can’t talk, can’t hear, or can’t see and it’s not because they are deaf, blind or dumb (well maybe dumb). It’s like night of the living dead. I’d be afraid the employees would eat my brain if it wasn’t for the convenient Subway and/or McDonalds keeping them too slow and fat to catch me.The sad part is, is that they work like this because they have no purpose in life. They are most likely middle to late aged former business owners that had to shut down because Walmart robbed them of all their business. So why in the hell would they be nice, caring, or informed about how good Momma Fats looks in her new hoochie shorts as she tries them on in line and models them.


Any Online Retailer Except Amazon

Other than being a bigger reason for American disintegration than Walmart, most online retailers charge full retail price, make you pay tax, and charge for shipping on top of that. Returning stuff is always a bitch, 99% of the reviews you are reading are fake, and you get whatever they give you. “Would like a copy of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol for only $23.99 plus tax and $5.99 shipping. It will arrive at your house the day the movie is released and by that I mean if you pay $25 more for shipping. We will ensure that your copy of the movie has damaged edges and that at least two disk are dislodged ensuring the disk getting scratched during shipping.” Most of all, you are taking away a job from a 16 year old spoiled blonde girl that knows nothing about the product she is selling. And what’s even worse is that large brick and mortar stores are telling the 16 year old girl that she’ll get commission if she tells the customer to shop online for the product that they are purposefully not stocking in store so customers are more comfortable using the internet to get their shopping done so they can lay off the 16 year old blonde girl that doesn’t have a clue. Now that’s some shit right there.

Theaters with Assigned Seating

I've literally seen this at a movie theater before. Giant mohawk and all.

I mean really? This isn’t the “theatre” where you watch such greats as “Les Miserables” and “Spiderman the Musical,” this is just the same plain ass movies on film (or digital) where people have been freely choosing their seats for since the early 1900s. So why now is there assigned seating? Don’t rich people get enough benefits as it is? I know what you’re thinking, its the same amount except you get to pick your seat. Don’t be poor and stupid. Rich people have no problem paying $2 extra per ticket or send one of their “runners” to get them tickets early on in the week. Not only that, but it sucks that these are the dicks that buy their tickets early are always the last people to come into the theater. Here you are, all pumped up for the Avengers so you and a small group of friends check out the new AMC they just built to get the best experience possible. You get there 4 hours early just to find out that the only seats left are all the way in the front. So you get front center because you have no choice. You and your friends go get some food and get back to the theater as soon as it’s ready for seating. You have trouble finding your seats because its not like cheap ass AMC to have someone direct you to your seats. Then some smelly fat dude comes in with his mini kegger of Mountain Dew and plops down right next to your girlfriend. But you can’t move because you are locked to your seat. Then as the movie is just getting started, Joe Bugalo and his bronies come in making a ruckus trying to bully and bribe people into giving up their prime seats because they didn’t get a ticket early for their homie Lil fake tan. FML…

Frys

If I want a computer, I'm going to this guy.

There are 3 types of employees at Fry’s… 1) The elitist, better than thou, computer technician that doesn’t even speak to you will you are explaining to him what you want to do or what your problem is. He just prints out your green paper, hands it to you while saying next. Then you are all pissed off because you don’t know if you have the right thing until you get home and then you are so happy when you look online and see that you got the best RAM for a really good deal and you were about to buy the shitty brand and that incredible dick just saved you a 40 miles round trip in gas money on another trip back to Fry’s but you still pissed because he didn’t have to be such a dick about it. 2) The incredible dork that rages about how he just maxed out his rig and is running skyrim on the highest high settings with all the glossy patches and how he could hook you up with a rig just like his for the low, low cost of $1500. Dude, I just came here for some computer speakers, chill the fuck out. 3) The guy who doesn’t know shit, knows he doesn’t know shit, but still acts like he knows what he’s talking about because he doesn’t what to get fired and he knows that Fry’s has an incredible return policy and that the customers are so dumb that most of them think that it’s their fault so they apologetically return the item leaving mister don’t know shit in the clear.

Costco

What happens when you mix inattentive people with giant carts? Destruction derby!

Man… where do I start? The store itself is okay even though you have to pay for to be a member of the “elite” club and getting movie tix for almost half price is pretty G. Costco’s problem is the elitist, jackass, delta bravos that shop there. From the minute you come into the parking lot and have to wait while some mindless snob that is holding up traffic because he’s too good to pull his Lexus SUV hybrid that gets the same miles per gallon as a regular ass Corolla circa 1999 up to get his 91 grade Arco knock off gas, to trying to find decent parking just to find a prius taking up 2 spots because a) the can’t drive for shit or b) they just don’t give a shit. You are irate before you even enter the store. Then you you have to deal with the blonde chick blindly driving her cart while on the cell phone running into your basket and the Asian lady that cuts in front of you to swipe the last sample of Belgian waffles. After that, you are just done. You are already at the highest level of pisseditivity, then you have to wait in line… if you can get to it because there are so many people that decided to check out at the same time as you. Now you just spent an good 1 1/2 hours in this god forsaken hell just to get arrowhead for 30% off. Thank you for ruining my Sunday assholes.

Best Buy

Tell me Newegg is not making fun of Best Buy here

There was an ad that Newegg was running not too long ago (depending on when you read this article obviously) about store X having a dipshit, dumbass employee that didn’t know shit about the product he was selling. Everyone knows that they were ripping Best Buy and that commercial couldn’t be more true. Best Buy probably has the worst employee base in America as far as knowledge of the product goes. And don’t expect any help when you go there unless you are buying a phone, tv, or you’re a really hot girl. It’s funny because you see the employees running around the store… with their jackets on to cover their best buy shirt as they sprint out of the store for their break. Don’t even try to stop them. They won’t even break stride to tell you that they are on break and that Dave is running this running the music section. Who the fuck is Dave? All I wanted was the new Nicki Minaj CD for my girlfriend. Why in the fuck is it locked in a cabinet protected by the guy in yellow that stares a hole in you if you if you walk on the wrong side of the electronic beeper? It’s just a fucking CD! A Nicki Minaj CD! I’d be doing you a favor by burning them.

Subway

YUMMY!

Usually when you have a sandwich, it taste as good as a leftover as it did when it was fresh or at least somewhere close to how it tasted. Not Subway. They say they bake their bread fresh everyday. They accomplish this by blowing bread up like animal balloons then flash baking it in their easy bake ovens. Day old bread in chicken soup gets less soggy than Subway bread. And IDK if they still call the crappy “I wish I was a barista” workers there “sandwich artist” but if you call putting all the meat and other ingredients on 3/4 of the sandwich leaving 1/4 of with soggy bread and sauce an art form, then you obviously are a Jackson Pollack fan. But its so fucking cheap. Even if the roast beef is half red half green and they spilled room temperature tuna into the meat ball sauce. A $5 footlong is almost worth the Salmonella poisoning you’ll get in the morning.

Gamestop

This is the most work you will ever see a Gamestop employee do... EVER!

The sleaze of the gaming world. Gamestop somehow finds a way to make something that so many people find joy in and make it a drudgery. I just came to this store to get my fucking Diablo 3 please. No I don’t want to pre-order halo 4, no I don’t want to hear your rant about how the 360 is better than the ps3 because it has more dedicated RAM, and no I don’t care that you went to E3 and saw the hottest booth babe in the world because you a suck a fucking loser that the closest you’ve gotten to getting laid is is DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball 2. I give you money, you give me game, end of transaction. It’s bad enough that I have to wait in line with bratty ass kids running through my legs wondering what color pokemon they should get while you are spending 30 minutes trying to convince a pissed off mom that $10 is a good deal for her son’s trade in of crappy Ninja Gaiden 3 when 2 months you pressured him to buy it after you weaseled him to sell his ps3 for a measly $70 store credit because you think the 360 is better only because the Xbox rep gives you better swag, which you flipped into a pre-order of the shitastic ninja gaiden and a $15 gold power up card. You are a dickless wonder monkey.

Apple (don’t click on that if you have a weak stomach or don’t want to laugh)

"I heard that the new iPad can cure cancer and and make all vegetables organic" ~ Apple fan

This is the only thing on the list that made it because of the dumb shit, brainless customers. Apple as a product is not too bad. That make decent phone and other some nice looking stuff. But man, the Apple fanboys just kill it. There is nothing more annoying than an Applite. Jesus wishes he had loyalty like this. Let’s actually gaze into the future. About 50 years into the future. where people walk around not in clothes, but hard silicone cases. All new building must have rounded edges. Prices on everything have gone up significantly because that means its better. Sex is now perform through touch screen. Instead of a cross hanging from the front of every church, there is an Apple with Steve jobs silhouette, an Apple 2 green screen computer and people will gather on Sunday in completely dark rooms only lit by everyone’s iPhone 17s with every head bowed and in unison chant the phrase “never forget” after every prayer.

Leave a Comment