NFL Prediction 2011

nfl-prediction

NFL season is tomorrow. Every fan has dumbass expectations of how their their team will win the Super Bowl. This is where I come in to tell you you are full of shit. 31 sets of fans will be disappointed unless unless you are some front running bitch. Check out the 10 NFL Predictions Before 2012

Now time for the team by team predictions. If you don’t like where I predicted you team to finish, remember, I don’t give a shit what you think.


AFC East

Don’t Be Surprised if … the Bills Suck Again

Name me a non has been on the Bills? There’s Steve Johnson and a couple of average backs. You got McKelvin and an unproven DT in Dareus. Everyone else looks very average, even the coaching staff. Problem for Buffalo is that everyone’s roster looks average on paper. Someone has got to lose and that’s the Bills.

Bill Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Chad Henne has a Bounce Back Year and the Dolphins Still Suck

I think Henne will play better and actually look like a starting QB this year, mainly because Brandon Marshall looks amazing and he’ll have Reggie Bush to save his ass on 3rd and shitty. I however don’t see Reggie Bush taking on the load of Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown. And name me the last time a veteran starting NFL linebacker quit on a contender just to get a job on ESPN 8 the Ocho?

Dolphins Record (4-12)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Patriots do What They did Last Year

I think Belichick is a douche. I think Tom Brady is the most overrated QB of all time. That being said, the Patriots will be good. They just won’t be good enough to win the championship. The Patriots haven’t won in since 2005 because the guys that had heart don’t play anymore. Now all they have is a system and we all saw what a Ndamukong sized wrench can do to the system.

new-york-jets-plaxico-buress

Patriots Record (12-4)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Jets Look Shittier Than They Did Last Year

Not a whole lot shittier but shittier non the less. I like Mark Sanchez’s attitude and his white pants, but I don’t see development in his game. With the loss of Edward, they lost the deep ball guy that they had and no Jet fan, Plaxico is not that guy. I really like Muhammad Wilkerson and the D will still be strong, just not Super Bowl strong.

Jets Record (10-6)


AFC North

Don’t Be Surprised if … The Ravens Kick Ass and Make One Last Super Bowl Run

Ravens have a lot of questions marks. They also have a lot of veteran talent. Hungry talent. Their offense will be better. Their defense will hold firm. They will beat up on weak NFC West. Flacco will be better than Trent Dilfer and like I said eariler Tyrod Taylor will shine. They might even implement some packages for him that will have teams off guard.

Ravens Record (12-4)

baltimore-ravens-ray-lewis

Ray Lewis will never smell bad again

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Bengals aren’t the Worst Team in the League

Oh, they will be bad.  Bag head bad. Andrew Luck bad. Too bad I think they won’t be quite sorry enough to get him. Also bad because if Andrew Luck and A.J. Green got to play together, it would look a lot like Montana and Rice.

Bengals Record (3-13)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Browns Look Like a Faux Playoff Contender

Browns overachieved last year to a 5-11 record (sounds like a fucking paradox huh?). This year they will overachieve their way almost to the playoffs. And by almost to the playoffs I mean if they were in the NFC West.

Browns Record (7-9)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Steelers Start Winning with Offense Instead of Defense

Everyone is saying the Steelers are long in the tooth. That’s not their problem. The problem is there secondary Polamalu sucks ass. With the burners they have at receiver they will more than make up for their weak secondary, but not enough for any long playoff run.

Steelers Record (10-6)


AFC South

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Texans End up in the AFC Title Game

Someone has to benefit from Manning being injured. The Texans offense looks primed and ready to go. The new D will confuse people enough to get them a couple more wins. Joseph makes the secondary good enough to be not destroy any progress made by the other factions of the team. Them playing the NFC South will make them battle tested. Lets see if Dallas fans convert this year.

Texans Record (13-3)

indianapolis-colts-peyton-manning

Manning on paid leave. I wish I got $13 mil to sit on my ass

Don’t Be Surprised if… the Colts have a Top 10 Pick in Next Year’s Draft

Colts are tough to predict. We all know that Manning is 95% of the team. If Peyton is out for more than 8 games, the Colts are shit outta luck. They won’t risk Manning on a shitty team out of the running so expect the Colts to get a nice pick next year and for them to be scary come 2012.

Colts (3-13)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Jags Mortgage the Season for Next Season

Jags looks like shit on paper especially with Garrad gone. This team can’t draft for shit. Hell, even Florio Jr. can do better. Expect Gabbert to get showcased for trade later in the season as the Jags look to acquire Timothy Richard Tebow if they have already done so. Their division minus Manning sucks so bad that they actually will win more than they should.

Jaguars Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Titan Fans Become Angry After CJ2K Becomes CJ1100

The Titans have overachieved for a long time. They have never had a good receiving unit since leaving Houston. Very dynamic QB play and excellent coaching have lead the Titans to better than they should have runs. Now that Fisher is gone, and their is no fucking reason to play anything but Cover 0, expect CJ2K 2 get the box loaded and no $54 million contract is gonna make defenses forget about the lack of passing game.

Titans Record (6-10)


AFC West

Don’t Be Surprised if… Bronco Fans have Something to be Excited about and it’s not Named Tim Tebow

Broncos will be a team on the rise. Kyle Orton doesn’t suck, the backs will be better and the D will be much improved. Too bad that all that will still equal Broncos sucking.

Broncos (6-10)

Don’t be Surprised if…. The Chiefs take a Step Back

We all knew by watching last year that the Chiefs were winning because they were fucking lucky. They rubbed that genie lamp too many times last year for them to have anything left this year. They’ve got some individual talent like Berry, Bowe and Charles but don’t expect Brady Jr a.k.a. Matt Cassel to do do anything productive without Charlie Weis. Luckily for the Chiefs their division sucks so much that they will get some gimmies

Chiefs Record (8-8)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Terrelle Pryor Starts a Game or Two for the Raydas

Raiders are gonna realize just how good Asomugha was for them. Oakland will undoubtedly be bad with Campbell doing his taxes while back to pass. There is no way that Al Davis will go an entire season with Pryor not getting a look.

san-diego-chargers-phillip-rivers

You mu... mu... mu... make me Haaa ppy

Raiders Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Chargers Bullshit Their Way to the Top

Chargers were supposed to be good last year. They were injured and lost some close games due to craptacular special teams. Being in a powder puff division they can poop out 6 wins easily. The rest of their schedule is mixed in with some more weak sauce so the Chargers will have no excuses this year.

Chargers Record (12-4)


NFC East

Don’t Be Surprised if… the Most Interesting Thing Happening in Cowboys Stadium is College Football

dallas-cowboys-romo-austin

We are best friends

I love Cowboys Stadium. Giant TV’s and large venue just screams excitement. High school and college fans will love it. Visiting fans will love it. Hell, even Cowboy fans that want to see the Cowboy cheerleaders will love it. People who want to see relevant professional football better hope that Reliant Stadium gets flooded again.

Cowboys Record (9-7)

Don’t Be Surprised if… the Giants Implode

Giants have problems; an old coach on the bubble, injuries, bad PR with players, playing in NY, the list goes and goes and goes. Wouldn’t be surprised if the only safe players on that team are Eli Manning once this dismal season is over.

Giants Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… the Dream Team Lives Up to the Hype but Still Fall Short of the Big Game

Eagles are the team to beat on paper. Many people doubt them like they doubted the Miami Heat. The Heat went to the NBA Finals. The Eagles, however, don’t have weak competition to mow through. The NFC is stacked. Expect the Eagles to live up to the expectations but ultimately falter in the playoffs.

Eagles Record (12-4)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Dan Snyder goes Donald Trump and Blows Shit Up

Mike Shanahan… YOU’RE FIRED. So is Rex Grossman and even John Beck who I think will play well. The Redskins are just a crappy team. They will really need a QB after the season but they won’t get Luck because they will overachieve to a record not crappy enough to get him. Nothing is worse to a fan to know you have a crappy team and yet they still can’t get the player they need to get over the hump.

Redskins Record (6-10)


NFC North

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Bears are Just Fucking Sorry

The Bears won because the Viking disintegrated, the Lions didn’t know how to win yet, and the Packers were hurt.  Lovie Smith won’t be able to save his team from the Martz/Cutler interception train. And with the most notable free agent pick up being Roy Williams. Luckily the Viking will still be around to make them look good… for now.

Bears Record (6-10)

Ndamukong Suh Detroit Lions

Those all white pants can't hide poop stains

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Lions Only Miss the Playoffs because of the NFC South

If all thing consider like Mr. Glass staying healthy at QB, the Lions have a chance to be the best they’ve been since Barry Sander retired. Their secondary is the weakest in the NFL but the front 7, especially the front 4 will win games on their own. Lions will be fun to watch this year.

Lions Record (10-6)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Cocky Ass Packers Get Their Asses Handed to Them by a Hungrier Team

I like the Packers swag. Aaron Rodgers has one of the best celebrations in football. They won despite some mafia guy taking a baseball bat to the team last year. Their “never say die” confidence of last year has turned into “my shit don’t stink” cockiness this year. They’ll be good because they are, but they are too many other good NFC teams coming for them this year and this time they won’t have pity for the cripple Packers like they did last year.

Packers Record (12-4)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Vikings will be in Rebuild Mode Before Midseason

Vikings looked bad last year with an aging Bret Farve. How do you think they’ll look with an aging Donovan McNabb? With Rice, Pat Williams, McKinnie, Farve and Edward gone, the Vikings will be weaker on both sides of the ball and they were 4-12 last year. What does that tell you?

Vikings Record (3-13)


NFC South

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Falcons Achilles Heel are the Saints

The Falcons made moves this year to get them to the Super Bowl. And they will be good. Damn Good! It’s possible that this Falcon team is the best ever. Won’t be enough though because the Saints are better.

Falcons Record (12-4)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Cam Newton Flexes his Guns and Shows the NFL What’s Up

This should have been in the earlier predictions but Cam Newton will be the only QB that will be worth a damn out of the 2011 draft (maybe Andy Dalton and Colin Kaepernick might do something much later in their careers but that another story all together). Newton will show the league he is a legit QB and the Panthers will be a contender again soon… Just not this year.

Panthers Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Saints Lead the Ultimate Mardi Grad Part 2

The Saints are gonna be shit your pants good. D might be the weak link but it’s not like they are the weakest in the league. Their offensive system rivals the Patriots except they have more talent. Mark Ingram will make Kim Kardashian want him by week 4. And after getting embarassed at the hands of Seattle last year, expect the Saints to be Pacman hungry (the scrip club Pacman, gobble gobble Pacman).

Saints record (14-2)

tampa-bay-buccaneers-josh-freeman

Weren't you in High School the Musical?

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Bucs Make Their Fans look Bad

Note to self. if I ever become rich and famous and can afford a professional sports team, do not invest in a team in Florida, especially west Florida. The Bucs are a good young team yet they will be plagued with blackout all season long. They will make the playoffs this year then maybe the assisted living community will organize some football as an outing. Didn’t work for the Rays so maybe there is no hope whatsoever.

Buccaneers Record (10-6)


NFC West

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Cardinals Realized They Really aren’t that Good

Fitzgerald got a fat contract and Kolb looks better than anyone they had last year. Too bad their defense sucks partially because they gave up one of the best corner tandems in the NFL to get a QB that won 7 total games and we still don’t know if he can stay healthy for 16 games. And what other receiver is Kolb gonna throw to when Fitzgerald is double covered?

Cardinals Record (6-10)

Don’t Be Surprised if… The Rams are a Screw or Two Loose from Looking Like Something You can Show to the Public

Rams looked good last year. They changed offense coordinators for reasons unknown. Now Bradford will have to learn on the fly. They are a good but with zero receivers (Mike Sims-Walker = zero) and questions still on both sides the Rams are maybe a year away from being good again.

Rams Record (8-8)

You know Jeremy Shockey called you a wussy right?

Don’t Be Surprised if… The 9ers Make it to the Playoffs

The 49ers are either playoff bound or Andrew Luck bound. Depends on how Harbaugh wants to play it. The 9ers have plenty of talent but for some reason, they have been playing like the Raiders the last few seasons (maybe that’s why 49er fan was acting like Raider fan at the brawl earlier in the preseason). Harbaugh’s system will be the best Alex Smith has had since becoming a Niner and that will lead them to a first round playoff loss.

49ers Record (8-8)

Don’t Be Surprised if… Clipboard Jesus can’t Pull Wine Out of His Ass Again

Pete Carroll just might be a football deity. He made USC relevant after a long stretch of crap, he took a bunch of has beens to the the divisional round of the playoffs, and he even made an earthquake happen out of thin air. But not even Pete can save this Seahawk team.

Seahawks Record (4-12)


Playoff and Super Bowl Prediction

AFC Wild Card

Steelers (6) over Patriots (3) on the road

Steelers have a habit of winning on the road. Their offensive and defensive mix will be too much for the robotic hooded mastermind.

Jets (5) over Chargers (4) with D

Jets strong D will be too much for Rivers to contend with. Two dogs advance to divisional round.


NFC Wild Card

Falcons (5) over 49ers (4) obviously

49ers will be happy to just be here. However I do think Harbaugh will make the Falcons sweat a little. Maybe.

Packers (3) over Buccaneers (6) easily

Packers are to experienced and too good for the young Bucs (WTF! I’m using puns like Joe Buck ?!?).


AFC Divisional Rounds

Texans (1) over Steelers (6) in a shoot out

Yea I said it. Shootout. Wouldn’t be surprised if this game reached the 70 total points. Texans offense is better so they will score more.

Jets (5) over Chargers (2) in a battle

White pants Sanchez will like coming back to SoCal. He’ll have a great game. Rivers will also have a good game. Too bad they will waste it.


NFC Divisional Rounds

Saints (1) over Falcons (5) in a barn burner

This will game will make the Saints vs. the Falcons the best rivalry in football.

Eagles (2) over Packers (4) because of secondary

Eagles high priced secondary will pay off here. Packers will have all kinds of trouble with the Eagle D.


AFC Championship

Ravens (2) over Texans (1) in a game of desire

Ravens will be too hungry and Texans will be a little shell shocked.


NFC Championship

Saints (1) over Eagles (2) with ball control

Saints drafting Ingram will looked like the smartest move in football after this game.


Super Bowl

Saints over Ravens by halftime

Saints will destroy the Ravens secondary. Brees will make it look like 7 on 7 against the practice squad. Ravens offense will not be able to keep up.


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